Harbingers of Chaos
When you have become accustomed to chaos, it’s hard to see when you are the eye of your own storm.
Like Steve Urkel, you might look at the collapsed Rube Goldberg machine around you, bolts and screws and wires bouncing off of things as the other people in the room run for cover, a faint “Did I do thaaaat?!” escaping your lips, a half apology.
Yeah, you fuckin’ did, Steve, obviously.
I think a big part of healing is recognizing where we might be contributing to our own suffering. Contribution is not the same thing as cause, responsibility does not imply deserve, it’s just about pattern recognition. No more, no less.
But seeing your own patterns isn’t as easy as it sounds. There’s levels to it. Growing up in a chaotic home (or even spending many years of your adult years in a chaotic relationship dynamic) (or several)) can desensitize you to chaos to the point that you forget that anything else is even possible. Much of this manifests subconsciously.
See, when we’re in “downstairs brain,” we can’t see things clearly—we can only see things through the lens put into place by our trauma. This can cause you to be stuck in a feedback loop, where many of your worst fears are confirmed over and over again, because you are drawn to situations that remind you of the situation that gave you your original wound.
Being conditioned to normalize chaos can either manifest in someone becoming a manager of other people’s chaos OR becoming someone who creates chaos and expects others to manage it. This becomes a subconscious attraction to people who will play that pivotal role (the manager for the ceator, or vice versa) in your life. This becomes a pattern that repeats until you bring awareness to it.
A manager of chaos is usually someone codependent who may be struggling with a lack of boundaries. Sometimes, when things get really bad, they can appear manipulative because their attachment to “keeping the peace” can come in the form of telling everyone what they want to hear, instead of the truth. Often times, codependents have a hard time even knowing what their truth is because they are so used to being whatever everyone around them needs. They have a habit of taking too much responsibility for other’s decisions, actions, and treatment of them and too little for themselves.
A creator of chaos is often the life of the party, they often struggle with addiction, extremely toxic relationships, they may put the people that love them through tests of emotional abuse, harsh criticism, or creating conflict—just to see if they’ll stick around. They often use the managers in their life as scapegoats, avoiding taking responsibility for their own actions.
Most of us fluctuate between one of these modes of operating and the other, becoming some combination of the two. While creators of chaos can come with high incidence of narcissism and have a tendency to wear people tf out, managers of chaos aren’t necessarily altruistic.
A lack of boundaries (good intentions aside) can look a lot like lies from the outside. When we get used to betraying ourselves and our own peace, safety, and stability, there is a very slippery slope towards betraying others. It is so important to find the truth of you and never waver from it again.
Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, it’s important to get off the ride. Authentic relationships don’t require managing, and you’ll find that relationships with peace, respect, and love as their foundation aren’t boring or too good to be true—they’re the way it should have always been, if only you hadn’t become so accustomed to chaos.
If you find yourself stuck in your own web of chaos or trapped in someone else’s, please know, it’s never too late to get out. You can touch feet-to-earth and start protecting your peace any time you choose to. All you have to do is start choosing you.
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