How to Heal from Betrayal
A betrayal wound is one of the most difficult to heal. It warps your reality and makes you doubt yourself. It’s embarrassing, which triggers shame. It makes it hard to trust, which makes intimacy in future connections terrifying. It’s what creates the vibe of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s a heartbreaking way to live.
Trusting someone and having that trust broken is just a motherfucker of a thing to get over—especially if you experienced betrayal in childhood. Trusting in the first place feels like a feat of strength in and of itself, because it is such a vulnerable thing to do.
You should know that if you’ve ever trusted someone and they betrayed you, that does not make you foolish. That is no reason to beat yourself up. To be vulnerable is a strength, full stop. Discernment is another thing—it’s just a necessary tool that those of us who were raised by people who were not safe have to teach ourselves later on in life. Discernment is not a psychic power. It’s just knowing what you will and won’t tolerate, and paying attention to the red flags and patterns. Someone else’s decision to betray you 100% is On Them.
Unrequited loyalty is a burden and a half. Being a loyal person and being attracted to people who aren’t capable of reciprocating is an isolating experience. If they’re malicious with it, or unable to take responsibility for it? That can be crazy-making. You can get to the point where you don’t even trust YOURSELF.
So, how do you find your way back from betrayal? Well, to start, you put the responsibility of the betrayal on the person who did the betraying. If someone’s going to move through life like that, they are going to regardless of the actions, love, patience, worthiness, whatever, of the people they are going to leave behind in their path of destruction. It’s about them and their dysfunction.
People who struggle with codependency often tend to take too much responsibility and people who tend to mistreat others tend to take too little. This creates an inner monologue of “What could I have done to prevent this?” Outside of having a stronger sense of discernment and paying closer attention to red flags, probably nothing. Hindsight is HD and all that. Take it as a lesson and move differently in the future.
It is a strength to have grace for others, to be able to trust and to love wholeheartedly. Being able to give people the benefit of the doubt, to understand the whys of who they are is such a lovely way to show up in relationships. But sometimes the pendulum needs to swing a little the other way, and we need to learn to give those things to ourselves at least as much as we are willing to give them to others. And then take it one step further and make sure the people we let into our hearts are capable of reciprocating what we have to give.
Betrayal causes a reality collapse, especially if there’s any amount of gaslighting involved. It can make you question your sanity. It is so important to get back in your body with your feet on the ground. Seeking out external help in getting clarity on the situation, whether through friends, a therapist, a spiritual practitioner, or a mentor. Anyone who is outside of the situation, who can see it clearly, is invaluable.
Carrying yourself through the grief is crucial, as well. Betrayal comes with all the mourning of the end of a relationship, plus that gut-wrenching grief that comes from feeling like nothing about the relationship was real—that you aren’t even allowed to feel joy and reminisce in the happy times, because they were all based on lies. Let yourself feel that. It’s fucking sad!! Understand that relationships have lots of layers and if what you felt was real, that’s all that matters. Try to think of the ending as for you instead of to you.
Sometimes it takes something big and terrible for the people involved to take the leap of walking away. Our suffering has to get to a point where we feel like we can’t take it anymore. Change is a lot! We have to be sure, especially before we really learn how to flow. What is meant for you will never pass you by, so if something is passing, try to let it go. If someone can’t love you and honor your loyalty, you’re probably better off without them.
Part of the beauty of destined goodbyes is the inevitable glow-up that follows. Allow yourself to flourish, to feel the absence of something that was weighing your spirit down. Feel this without guilt or regret. Just be in your new life, free to find souls aligned with your generous spirit. Expand, fill your cup with your own love. One day you’ll look back at the betrayal and, even though you might not be able to imagine it now, you’ll say “thank god.”
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