This Little Light of Mine
I was at the playground with a baby I was nannying who was just learning to walk. We were practicing with one of those little push walkers when he got distracted by a little girl, about 7 or 8 years old, who was parkouring all over the jungle gym. She was flipping and jumping and spinning and having the time of her life. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her! Eventually, she noticed and laughed “That baby is watching me!!” I said, “he’s mesmerized by your cool tricks!!” She said “Yeah… I do have a LOT of cool tricks!” Then she started doing cartwheels and monkey bar climbing while the baby and I clapped and cheered. After a few minutes, she jumped down in front of us, got really serious, and said “Sometimes when I’m doing my cool tricks, someone will say “show off…” kinda quiet so I won’t hear, but I do hear them!! It really hurts my feelings!” I said “Oh my goodness that is not very kind! I think you are amazing and you should be proud of all the things you’re good at. Those people are probably just upset because they think they can’t do what you can.” And she said “Exactly. They THINK they can’t, but if they tried, they probably could!”
I think about her all the time. I think about my inner child—so bold and brazen and bossy and so sure of what I was good at. Where did they go? When did I lose them? Why is it such hard work to get them back and keep them?
Well, it’s probably because I have always found myself surrounded by insecure people. I was literally taught that a woman knowing how beautiful they are automatically makes them less beautiful. I was taught that “if you get too big for your britches, God finds a way to humble you.” I developed a kind of OCD superstition around feeling good about myself. If I felt like shit, things would go well. If I felt good about myself, though, something bad was bound to happen.
For so long, every time I ever stepped off stage after, repeatedly facing my debilitating stage fright to perform and perform well, somehow, by the grace of God, I always had someone waiting there, someone’s who’s approval I was desperate for, to point out how flat I was, or how shy I seemed, or how the microphone wasn’t loud enough, or how if I just lost 5 pounds I’d be perfect. I was never allowed even a moment of pride or gratitude or appreciation. And I never heard son much as an unqualified “good job.”
Capitalism holds no place in our interpersonal relationships—a scarcity mindset and chronic competition doesn’t leave much room for real emotional intimacy or trust. It’s often one of the biggest barriers to really being able to truly see one another.
I’ve been trying to make art my career off and on for my entire life and I have seen some shit, ya’ll. Whether it was cutthroat opera singers playing psychological mind games in the audition waiting rooms, burlesque performers who’d seen Showgirls 100 too many times, at the ready with a handful of beads for anyone they perceived as a threat, or trust fund kid artists in the city who literally get jealous of their peers’ poverty origin stories because they think it makes them less interesting bi proxy (which it does lol), the scarcity mindset is everywhere. And the people with the most power are always the most belligerent, the most stingy, the most ruthless. People will tout “community over competition” while backstabbing their best friend for a little power. Everyone has crossed paths with someone like this at one time or another… I’m sure someone specific popped into your head as you read that.
It’s so unnecessary. Everyone is special and no one is more special than anyone else. Our mission here is to shine our unique light as brightly as we can to be a beacon for those who will follow in our footsteps. We are supposed to be confident, guided by our intuition, authentic, and generous. We are supposed to uplift and encourage one another, hereby easing our individual burdens. We are supposed to support each other as we follow our respective paths.
It’s hard out here! There are so many unconscious people trying to tell you what’s right is wrong and what’s up is down. Many of us even know the particular trauma of having our own mothers compete with us! It’s wild! The white supremacist capitalist cishetero patrairchy is constantly making itself known through bosses, media, our peers, and authority figures in our lives. There are hoards of systemically zombified Judgey Judgersons just waiting to tear us back down to size the moment we start to shine our light. Who needs God to humble you when your “Best Friend” will do it any and every chance they get?! Unpacking is not enough, we need constant vigilance to stay in our right minds and grounded in our integrity.
In the grand scheme of things, we’re all just Hungry Hungry Hippos, fighting for a few little white balls. It isn’t our fault, it’s how we’ve been taught to survive in a system that refuses to give us what we need, even though It’s got it to give. We didn’t create scarcity, but we do need to do the work to transcend it.
Think of the people you love… Aren’t they each unique? Don’t they each carry a vibe that is specific to them? Isn’t the love you feel for them completely different than the love you feel for anyone else? Not better, but different? What feelings do they inspire in you? What do you think you inspire in others? When the people closest to you compliment you, what do they say? That’s a clue! A first step toward knowing what you bring to the table.
If we’re all here to be a genius at a few things, then to take that genius and share it in a way that helps others—if we all have an integral piece of the cosmic puzzle, but we’re so busy competing with each other to recognize our own, much less anybody else’s—how are we going to get anywhere?
The need to feel superior drives a lot of toxic behavior. It chips away at the self-esteem of those around us. It can stop people from following their own divinely guided path. It has stopped me from following mine. I always get back to it after some recovery, but boy have I faltered. When you’re putting yourself out there and the people closest to you have nothing good to say, how are you supposed to feel?
When you feel ready to show off your cool tricks, don’t let anybody call you a show off—and if they do, just let it roll off you like water off a duck’s back. Just as importantly, when you see someone else shining, don’t go over there trying to hide it under a bushel or snuff it out with your purposefully withheld congratulations or petty gossip. There is infinite abundance in the world, tap into it. Embrace your light! There has never been another like it before you came here and there will never be another one exactly like it again. Remember that, keep it in mind as you navigate a world brainwashed into mindless competition fueled by fabricated scarcity. You are special, not more special, definitely not less special, perfectly special, and miraculously you. Unleash that heart space glow, recognize your gifts and talents, let that appreciation for yourself pour out into everyone who comes near you, then recognize and appreciate theirs’ as well. Feel the warmth of the vibration of the frequency of love emanating from you and let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!
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