Mindful Communication
Every episode of the Walk On Podcast is about something that I have learned the hard way. Every thing I teach about comes from a place of absolutely failing at it for so long that it basically wrecked my life. I teach from a place of humility because ya’ll?????!!!!!!
Life is hard.
For someone with so much Libra in my chart, communication has been very difficult for me. The combination of autism, selective mutism, and codependency, plus an early anger problem, plus being raised by some of the meanest people I’ve ever known, left my education regarding communication and how to do it… a liiiiittle bit lacking.
When I was a kid I developed a really big anger problem. I would black out and beat the shit out of my friends. I had daily screaming matches with a verbally abusive step-father-figure who would occasionally escalate things physically in sometimes life-threatening incidents. My mom was an unstable and rageful alcoholic who was often physically abusive, and everyone else—at best—handled things with gossip (you would have to hear through the grapevine that someone was upset with you and the attacks of your character were often venomous and hard to swallow) and—at worst —they were a little on the Machiavellian side. There wasn’t a healthy relationship anywhere to be found.
Sound familiar??
I realized one day, at the ripe old age of 11, after beating up my little sister pretty bad that I needed to get my anger under control. I didn’t want to be like them.
I was just angry at so much—the injustice of life, being hit almost daily, being screamed at, called names, bullied everywhere I went—sometimes it felt like all I had was brute strength and a smart mouth to protect me. But after so many slaps across the face you start to wonder if there isn’t a safer way.
So I started doing this counting exercise. Instead of swinging first and asking questions later lol, I started counting to 10 before acting. This became my early introduction to breath work and meditation, as well as the power of the mind. I realized I could have control over my emotions. It really changed everything.
As I got older and got a better hang of ““femininity,”” I drifted to the other extreme. I became soft, a caretaker, a receiver, a mother-like presence, a submitter, a reliquisher, a people-pleaser, a doormat. I don’t think I put the word “no” through my lips until I found myself in therapy because trying to do polyamory with no boundaries had blown my life up in irreparable ways. Chaos had descended and my misguided “yes” was at the center.
I took care of others as a defense mechanism. I was quickly traveling down the path towards toxic martyr-hood, because I was growing more resentful every day. I was so lonely. I felt like I knew everyone but no one knew me. I felt like I was a sponge, soaking up everyone else’s energy and whenever I dared need someone, no one was there. I was getting angry again.
Learning about boundaries and how to communicate them has not been an easy transition for me. First, I learned to put down my anger before it got me in real trouble or really hurt someone I loved. Then I had to learn how to release my other defense mechanism, over-giving. Then I had to be authentic. But, it was terrifying, because people only seemed to really like me when I was sweet, submissive, feminine, available, showing up for them, stepping over myself to meet their needs.
I started losing people who didn’t like me once I learned the word “no.”
Then I had to grieve those losses.
It does fortunately/unfortunately take two to tango.
But then, what was left was authentic. And what magnetized itself to me after was too.
Everyone in my life now holds space for me. I don’t ever need to check who’s giving or who’s receiving because there exists a natural flow. My discernment, my constant vigilance is replaced with trust. And I no longer have to prepare myself for hard conversations around feelings, or put my guard up in service of my softest parts, because everyone here is soft, too. Everyone here knows how to speak their truths without cutting, everyone here honors everyone else’s wounds.
That doesn’t mean that everyone is perfect, that everyone doesn’t have triggers or get disappointed or get scared or defensive, it just means that everyone is willing to do the work.
Mindful communication requires a setting aside of the ego, a plain and clear expression of one’s truth. It requires holding space while actively listening, receiving, not listening just to respond, but listening because you want to know where the other person is coming from. It’s not walking on eggshells, but understanding, lovingly, how to walk through the other person’s energy without doing unnecessary harm. Its gentle. It’s kind. But it’s honest. It’s uncomfortable, at times. Being seen is one of the most uncomfortable feelings I’ve ever experienced. It took me years to feel it without flinching. It’s also sharing of oneself with trust. It’s learning on the job.
You would be amazed at how bonding conflict with mindful communication can be. Imagine a world where a conflict doesn’t drive an untenable wedge, but instead forges a stronger connection.
It’s OK if you can’t, for most of my life I couldn’t, but I now know it is not only possible, it’s the reality I have co-created.
If you are wondering about how to get started, here a couple simple tips.
Understand the difference between a “Me” problem and a “We” problem. A “Me” problem is a conflict you are having inside yourself like “I am insecure and that makes me feel jealous.” A “We” problem is like, “we have over-booked ourselves and now we both feel distant because we haven’t had enough quality time together.”
Don't ever, for any reason, do anything for anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever.".*
*that’s a Michael Scott quote lol
But forreal, don’t EVER say the meanest thing you can think of. Don’t do it. It doesn’t serve. If that’s the way you operate you should look into some healing work because you need some help, baby. It’s ok. Defensiveness is just a sign that you’re hurting. Like a wounded animal, you lash out at those trying to love you, but that is not gonna get you what you need, so put that guard down. There is a clear and concise but kind way to get your feelings across and pulling away or going on the attack is in opposition to that, so try it a different way. Someone laying a boundary with you is a loving act. Listen, receive. Laying a boundary with someone you love isn’t a crime against them, it’s an attempt to evolve the relationship into a healthier, more mutually satisfying, and sustainable place. Re-frame it that way in your mind.
When you were unreasonably punished for speaking the truth as a child (all children are truth tellers cuz they don’t realize not to address the elephants in the room), you learn to keep your mouth shut. There is so much healing in being heard.
Wouldn’t it be beautiful to flow into and out of relationships or situations, to flow into an out of conflict, to transition from lovers to friends or colleagues to acquaintances or whatever without traumatizing each other in the process?
Be a soft spot in this harsh world. Communicate with your heart on your sleeve. Be seen, felt, and understood. Be loved and Be Love.
Listen here / Watch here
Want to hear more about my trauma?? Lol
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