A Sense of Self
Developing a strong sense of self is a crucial step on the path to recovery. Getting familiar with who you are over the course of a lifetime is the whole point of coming here as a soul and manifesting in the physical. Unfortunately, the limiting and conformity-demanding system we have all been forced into and the ways that those programs play out in our families of origin make that process an uphill battle.
Most people’s parents create them with a set of impossible-to-meet expectations about who they will be. Then, we all spent a significant portion of our lives attempting to live up to these expectations. It’s painful, it’s futile, and it’s not fucking fair. One of the more difficult parts of developing a sense of self is learning how to disappoint people. Difficult, but necessary. After all, you aren’t responsible for someone else’s unrealistic expectations.
This pattern of creating a false—or at least compartmentalized—version of yourself that will help you acquire someone else’s (conditional) love verbally trickles down into adult relationships.
Having a strong sense of self makes having boundaries easy—you know what your core values are so you don’t waffle on them, you know how to listen to your intuition which empowers your discernment, and you don’t second guess when someone has a bad vibe or can’t respect a boundary. Having a strong sense of self also helps you own your shit because you are well aware of your shortcomings, and can give yourself grace when you slip up. You can apologize and do better without having to navigate the emotional quicksand of shame. Knowing who you are becomes a cloak of protection. Manipulative people won’t waste their time on you, your authenticity attracts only people who can meet you where you are.
I struggled with having a sense of self my entire life. I started out totally unaware that there was anything wrong with me and proceeded to get repeatedly and unkindly rejected by my peers and my family of origin alike. I got the message that I was at once too much and not enough very early on, and being someone who takes criticism well, I got to work. The first issue of business was to be less bossy, less angry, and to take up less space. I tempered my “smart ass mouth” and started wishing my powerful, strong, chubby little body away. I embraced hunger, acquiescence, invisibility. Not being seen became my safe haven, my comfort zone. I became less wild, less free, and less me.
Everyone knew me as sweet. I hardly ever spoke. I lost my funny, my brave, my tough cookie, my take-no-shit, my truth. I let other people tell me who I was because I had forgotten.I had stuffed so much of me beneath the surface. I felt lonely everywhere I went, even surrounded by people. I knew people loved me, certain people who, because of their intuitive nature and our resonant frequencies, but I couldn’t take it all the way in. I hated the body I lived in, I hated the mind I felt trapped in, I was resentful and terrified and numb to the grief I desperately needed to start feeling.
Eventually, the pain became so big, I cracked open. And what came out, was authentic. It was so scary because the people I had let close to me had become accustomed to a version of me that wasn’t real. It was part of me, but it wasn’t the totality of me. They felt lied to, they felt shocked at my unfolding. My growth became a betrayal. It became “go back to how you were or I won’t love you anymore.” It was my worst fear realized. The real me wasn’t lovable.
But something then something surprising happened. In the absence of the expectations of others, I was left with myself. I found what I liked, I took myself on dates, I convened with my inner child. I reflected on my patterns, my dependencies, my strengths. I became my own priority, my own best friend. I fell in love with myself and my journey. This empowered me to make choices for my life from an internal place. I came out, I laid boundaries, I started understanding my power.
Moving through life with a strong sense of self has been the best tool I have in my spiritual tool belt. It’s where everything starts—confidence, discipline, recovery, relationships. It has become a protective and guiding force, ensuring that all my close relationships are grounded in authenticity and respect. There is no gossip or eggshell walking. It’s just all love all the time. And it starts and spirals out from me. And that’s unshakable.
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