Me vs We

I write a lot about codependency. It’s been such a struggle in my life. Growing up with emotionally immature caregivers—many of whom struggled with addiction— trained me early. My sense of self has been something I’ve had to work very hard to uncover. It was buried deep.

I was reluctant to get close to people for a long time, but that led to such deep loneliness and longing that once I managed to get someone to stick around for more than a minute, I became desperate to keep them. I would shove myself into the tiniest places, bend over backward, leave my Self in the dust, just to experience a glimmer of what it felt like to be loved. Who could blame me?! I was starved!

But it didn’t work. Eventually, the real me would rear its autonomous big-haired head, and I would start to crave freedom. There was this confusing dichotomy going on inside me where I was obsessed with love, I was sure it would fix everything, but once I got it, I couldn’t wait to get away from it. I have come to recognize that as an anxious-avoidant attachment style.

I was raised in such a way that I was either being smothered, neglected, or abused, there was no in-between. This made it extremely difficult to actually get my needs met.

Me vs We is the balance between the self and the other. This should be a balance that comes relatively naturally when someone experiences healthy attachments as a child. This means their parents were attentive, but not overbearing. This creates confidence in the child that allows them to be interdependent. I’ve seen it in children I’ve nannied. They go and play and explore and attempt to make friends and try things, and then when they get overwhelmed, they come and check-in. Then, they get some love until they feel better and then go merrily on their way. But, for many reasons, most children (aka future adults) don’t experience this.

Maybe their caregiver was enmeshed with them and took their individuation personally, infantilizing them and leaning too much on them, creating a bond that would disempower their child from individuating from them. Maybe they were emotionally distant, neglectful, or downright abusive, cultivating a “running” impulse later on. Any dysfunction tends to lead to problems in relationships in adulthood. Someone who grew up as their parent’s Emotional Support Child will probably either end up extremely avoidant, feeling that love and connection are burdens, a people-pleaser with poor boundaries, or some confusing combination of the two.

Interdependence is when a person knows that, truly, no man is an island. No one gets where they’re going on their own. Family, community, and partnership, it’s all just as important as one’s relationship with oneself. All of these connections require boundaries, forgiveness, and vulnerability to be healthy, stable, and sustainable. They require a balance of me and we.

The balance of give and take can be a difficult one to maintain in a societal program that sustains itself on exploitation. We are literally conditioned to give until we have nothing. Work takes precedence over all things, even our own well-being; and we are taught that consumerism is our only solace in this terrible, stressful, disconnected world.

So, how do we first achieve, and then maintain balance between ourselves and others?

I don’t know, I’m still working it out lol

I think we get there by internalizing the fact that all people need love. It is not a sign of weakness to crave connection. It’s entirely natural. Humans, like all other primates, have always been communal beings. Our social lives are important to our survival. Next, understand and believe that everyone is inherently worthy of love. Everyone deserves to be seen and understood. Everyone deserves to have good quality friends and partners to rely on. Everyone deserves to be cared for and respected. No, nothing you went through makes you the exception. Everyone is worthy of love. Just by the sheer act of existing. After that, it’s about pouring into that cup of yours.

Assess relationships past, present, and visualize those of the future. What patterns do you tend to play out again and again? Where do you overgive? Where have you taken too much? Where were you afraid to love or be loved? We all tend to play different roles in different relationships. Each connection causes different wounds and facets of ourselves to flare up. Take stock. Be honest. Do it with compassionate clarity. You don’t need to judge yourself or feel shame through this process, you are simply teaching yourself something new.

Next, figure out your boundaries, and learn how to be honest about them (with yourself and others). Practice with the people you feel the safest with. Sometimes it will not go well and that will be hard. Sometimes people who aren’t used to you standing up for yourself will be able to get used to it, sometimes they won’t. Try to be discerning about who resists this self-loving endeavor. Try to figure out why they might. Exert more energy on the connections that receive your vulnerability and communication with love and gratitude. Go where your grass is watered.

After that, it’s about learning how to self-soothe when the people you love lay boundaries with you. If the ego gets triggered or some abandonment issues rear their head, learn to sit with the feelings of discomfort. Reassure yourself if you can. Ask for reassurance from your loved one if you need it. Reassure them back.

Mastering the Me vs We axis is an exercise in radical self-acceptance. It’s about surrendering to the process. It’s about the humility of starting out every day as a novice—of self, of others, of life. Embrace the mess, the heartache, the frustration, the fears, the mending, the heart-to-heart honest-to-goodness love that washes over you.

Real love will never ask you to sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship. Remember, like Dr. Maya Angelou said, “love liberates, it doesn’t bind.” Choose love you feel free in, love others in a way that makes them feel free, too.

Listen Here

#mevswe #podcast #blog #mentalhealthpodcast #mentalhealthblog #healing #healingpodcast #healingblog #spiritualpodcast #spiritualblog #spirituality #personalgrowth #recovery #codependency #codependencyrecovery #howtostopbeingcodependent #howtohealyourself #howtofeelbetter #trauma #childhoodtrauma #selflove #howtoloveyoursel #selfhelp #selfcare #selfcompassion #radicalselfacceptance #interdependence