Looking Back to See What’s Coming
As I get older, I am stepping into this profound gratitude that I have so much life to look back on.
Once, when I was a kid, I was skipping through a shopping center backward at full speed. I rammed into a brick column and stumbled back, dazed, before bursting into tears. It took my breath away! That’s how my twenties felt. I was skipping backward through life, running into brick column after brick column. I can’t blame myself for not knowing what I was doing, it was my first time being an adult, after all!!! All I had to look back on was my childhood, and that was no walk in the park, pretty much everything I learned there needed to be unlearned by the time I reached my late 20s and my Saturn Return. But now? Now, at 35, almost 36 (Happy Libra Season!!) when I look back at the previous cycle I see an adult. A full-grown person! And I can remember everything I went through, I can remember making conscious choices to go to therapy, or end a relationship, or move somewhere new. Life was no longer just happening to me, I felt like an active participant.
When I look back on the past, I see my patterns so clearly. I see how they were reflections of the patterns that were passed down to me by my family of origin. I see how much we all were suffering. But I see the good patterns, as well. Being able to hold space for the duality of a situation is a sign of maturity, I have come to learn that too.
When I look at the present, I see every choice I made back then meeting the consequence of the Now. Some exciting, some less than desirable. Seeing the fruition makes me more discerning with my current choices. I know there will be culmination, I have seen the proof, myself. I am happy with most of my choices, but it wasn’t a flawless ride, by any means.
When I look into the future, I am not afraid. I feel like I have a good sense of what’s in store, because I choose every day with love, discipline, and focus. Even when I rest it’s focused. I know my wounds as intimately as I know my strengths, I hold both in very high regard. I understand what an exercise in humility healing is, and I trust my own resilience. I fully know how little I actually know, so I don’t require any ego-shattering experiences like I used to, but if one should come, I will understand that it’s for my highest good. I can look back at every redirection, failure, block, heartbreak, illness, and all the other life-altering experiences and see the way they ebb and flow; the same lesson in a different box. I am always down to learn it again.
Settling down into the groove of healing is just a commitment to surrender. Fear of change, your own expansion, or the growth of someone you love is normal, but it is meant to be faced and overcome. Look at how many yous you’ve been! Look at all you’ve let go before! Some things have gone, probably, yes, that is as it should be. But look at the things that stayed!! Are they not beautiful? Are they not bountiful? Are they not sacred? Are they not the most honest reflections of the true you?
What a blessing it is to have lived and learned and loved so much, and to be able to keep doing so. When I was young, I used to look at certain older people and marvel at their nonchalant wisdom, their vast database of experience, the total comfort of their souls in their bodies, and the richness of a life lived.
Looking back isn’t a weakness, though it’s important to keep nostalgia, that tricky little devil, in check. Looking back at your experiences is like picking up the breadcrumbs you left behind so you could find your way back to yourself. The Universe sets us up with repeated cycles on the spiral of life. You might revisit the same core wounds for the rest of your days. They aren’t meant to be “gotten over” and then left behind, never to be heard from again. That’s just avoidance masquerading as moving on. They are meant to show you where you need the most patience, the most kindness, the most compassion. They are there to help you uncover, recover, become what you have always been. An infinite reservoir of love. A living being. The Universe, knowing itself.
Stand with your feet firmly planted in the present. Make every decision, knowing that your future self is watching you with gratitude for how well you’re preparing life for them. Be confident in your ability to create a life you love. Look into the future with excitement more than trepidation. Things can change so quickly and in such magical ways. Look back into the past, not with shame or criticism, look back with gratitude for all that you’ve endured. See your challenges as a classroom, see both your wins and your losses, alike, as information. See each experience as a story you’ll one day tell some young person, who’s marveling at your well-lived life.
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