The Pause

Inhale like a wave called home,

clinging to the shore,

but still,

going.

Muscle fibers woven in between rib bones

lift

like butterfly wings to make room for

air.

Bubble gum lungs fill up! up! up! and!!!

Pause.

Feel the fullness.

Expansion.

Living awareness.

Energy,

that great

pulsing

frequency of

life.

Exhale, like waves on a shore.

A crash or a tickle.

A release of tension.

A surrender of the belly

like a body roll

top first, then down

down, down until

empty.

And then?

Begin again.

There is a frailty to being human that we are conditioned to try to overcome. This futile effort puts humility and gratitude on the back burner while force and ego take center stage. When did we start expecting the impossible from ourselves? Who was it that taught you that you were always expected to ignore the softness of your body; that it was a virtue to ignore the sacred call of rest, of balance? Who was it that first punished you for “falling short?” 

I’m in a flare-up right now from a little bit of stress, PMS, and poor sleep three too many nights in a row. It’s thrown off everything!! My perfectly and well-thought-out calendar filled to the brim with work, my daily workout and meditation practice, my ability to focus, my patience with everything (including myself), it all crumbled.

Last week, though?? Last week was a flawless week. I checked every single thing off my to-do list, every single day. I worked out harder than I’ve been able to in years, my meditations were deep and fruitful and my work flowed like breathing. I was able to breathe into The Pause with blissful ease.

Last week I made the fatal mistake of believing this is it!!! This is my life now!! Gone are the days of being bedridden, gone are the days of distraction and that chronic case of the grumpies!!! I’m cured!!!!!! I have the energy and organization to accomplish everything!!! This is a sustainable and achievable goal!!!!!!!!!

This week, it’s the bizarro version of that. I am in the foulest mood. I can’t think straight. There were fireworks late last night and I overslept this morning. I fell while rehearsing and made my already sore, tight, and crampy body even more sore, tight, and crampy. I kept dropping things (my phone, a drink, various snacks, my soap and razor in the shower), I’m bloated and my heart isn’t in literally anything I requested I get done in the bright, delusional sunshine of last week. My brain keeps spiraling this is it, I’m sick now, and I’m never going to be able to work again. Everything will fail because I am Not Capable of functioning. I am never going to thrive. Life, the world, the universe, MY MISBEHAVING DOG are against me. Things are never gonna be good again. This is my life now. 

Here I go forgetting the illusion of permanence, that This Too Shall Pass. Here I go forgetting that every day is a clean slate, and the energy is new every day. Here I go forgetting about the importance of The Pause. 

The Pause is what I call the space between the inhale and the exhale of the breath. It’s also the nickname I give the rest, recovery, burnout, sickness/flare-up, and/or life circumstance that forces me to lay the fuck down once in a while. It’s that diffuse state of learning where you walk away from the active practice of learning in order for your brain to integrate the information. It’s crucial, it’s natural, it’s a gift. 

Going through an experience that requires you to prioritize rest–whether it’s chronic illness, injury, losing a job, depression, etc etc–assures that you get well acquainted with pausing. If you can unpack that capitalist nonsense that says we should always push ourselves to work harder, and that it’s admirable to be able to overcome our bodies’ needs, humility blooms. Grace towards yourself and others starts to occur to you. You no longer flip out when someone needs to cancel plans, you don’t force yourself to do things you aren’t up for. Your self-care game elevates. Your boundaries become iron-clad. All from learning to embrace The Pause. 

Hindsight being 20/20 and all that, it’s much easier to look upon the past and see the moments where a pause we were resisting actually ended up serving us. So let this be a reminder to you, in moments where you are struggling with the fallibility of being human.

The Pause is the fuel station of your energy, inspiration, productivity, and grand plans. The pause is the place where you recalibrate between one growth cycle and the next. It’s that astral corridor you stand in between one door closing and another one opening. It’s a temple, it’s presence, it’s where you hear the voice of the universe. It’s loving awareness. Without it, you’d just go and go and go, never stopping to take a shit or smell the roses. 

I know this. I just recorded an episode on this lmao. And still… this week… I struggled. So lemme go take my own advice and get back in bed, allow this day to pass with as little resistance as possible, reminding myself to stay thankful for The Pause.

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