The Paradox of Tolerance
image from @mattxiv on Instagram
A double standard is a tricky thing to navigate. It’s like how young girls are tasked with maintaining their virtue while “boys will be boys.” It’s how the poor receiving government assistance are “shirking the system” while the banks receive bailout after bailout and nobody bats an eye. It’s injustice incarnate. It’s the kind of thing that makes my inner child want to stomp their lil foot and shout THAT’S NOT FAIR!!!!
Philosopher Karl Popper spoke about the Paradox of Intolerance, making the point that “unlimited tolerance will lead to the disappearance of tolerance.” And we see it happening around us every day.
On a political level, it’s “news” outlets providing coverage of leftist protests against fascism and actual terrorism by actual fascists as “two sides of the issue.” It’s giving bigoted election fraudsters a platform. Twice. It’s alpha male grifters making millions by doing misogyny on social media sites, which are mining our attention and obliterating our ability to critically think, but activists receiving death threats for talking about how a piece of media could have better representation. It’s debate bros in the comments section with no stake in the game, playing devil’s advocate against someone just expressing their right to exist. We are swirling around the paradox like a turd that just got flushed down the toilet.
The tolerant left, the neo-liberal/center of the political spectrum prides itself on its lack of integrity. “I don’t need to get angry, I’m better than that.” And therein lies the tolerance. We’re not talking about “tolerating” marginalized people by improving the way the world treats them, we’re talking “tolerating” intolerant people. Bigoted people. Difficult people.
Picture it, pussycat. A holiday is approaching and the whole family is planning on getting together. Your “tolerant” mom pulls you aside and asks you not to bring up politics because it might upset your conservative uncle and make things awkward. This is the uncle who shouts his shitty opinions from the rooftops; who misgenders you, or disrespects your partner, or believes the earth is fucking flat and Don*ld Tr*mp is here to save the children from alien sex offenders, or all of the above and then some. But you must be tolerant of his intolerance because “we are tolerant people.” If you do choose to let your feelings be known and things get heated, you get in trouble for '“being divisive.” Does anyone correct or reprimand him? Usually not.
The Paradox of Tolerance.
I’ve also seen this play out interpersonally. The double standard that occurs in almost all abusive relationships is a perfect example. The person who controls the relationship expects to be able to yell, leave, cheat, lie, manipulate, triangulate, gossip, use, steal, and all manner of other bad behavior while suffering few-to-no consequences. They expect the people who care about them to stick around, to have the patience of a God, to have impenetrable feelings, to never know better, to never love themselves more. After years of putting up with mistreatment, maybe one day, someone lays a boundary or calls them out in some way. Suddenly that person is the devil, It doesn’t matter what nice things the toxic person thought and/or said about their friend/partner/whatever moments before— they deserve it, now. They committed the cardinal sin, they stood up for themselves.
I always find it funny how the meanest people are also the most sensitive. They will tell you you need to learn how to take a joke as they widdle you down to nothing, but if you say something innocuous that could be taken offensively by them, it’s over for you! Here comes the smear campaign!
There is this sentiment that doesn’t sound right until you’ve done a fair bit of healing. “We teach people how to treat us.” Sometimes people get triggered and defensive at that statement, taking it to mean that the abuse they endured was their own fault; like they deserved it or something. But really, healthy people don’t fall for the abuser’s game. They might give them a chance and start to get to know them, but after they drop a few red flags, the healthy person will pull away. It’s not about deserving, it really isn’t. It’s about having boundaries. It’s about no longer putting up with mistreatment because you’re afraid to be alone. It’s about not continuously breaking your back to prove yourself and your love to someone who has a vested interest in always moving the finish live. It’s about not tolerating intolerance.
At the end of all my abusive relationships, after the love bombing had long stopped, I always started to wonder does this person even like me. Not because of insecurity or self-worth issues, but because they were constantly criticizing my every move. They would make fun of my ideas, they would critique my jobs, and belittle my spirituality. They would act like spending time with me was a huge burden. But then, when I would finally work up the courage to end things, here they would come acting like I’m taking the best thing that’s ever happened to them. They would fight and (sometimes) stalk and send their flying monkeys after me and I would always be shocked! SHOCKED!! Why are they trying to make it so difficult for me to walk away? They don’t even like me!!
Well, that’s because it was more about losing than it was about losing me.
They weren’t used to consequences.
In our sweep-everything-under-the-rug-codependent-ass-society, we are conditioned to always cater to the most difficult person in the room. That’s why the most difficult people in the world are in charge of everything. But remember, consequences are good actually. They may act like you’re literally torturing them to death (/drama) but a boundary is an act of vulnerability—an act of love. Give the difficult person you love the gift of no longer tolerating their intolerance. Maybe the discomfort of receiving that boundary will give them the pressure they need to change. At the very least, you’ll set yourself free.
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