Building Community
Image by Tim Mossholder
For people who’s family of origin was unhealthy, there is an ever-present deep, guttural longing for community.
I have tried to fill that void so many times, in so many ways—some beautiful, some heartbreaking. Regardless of whether or not things lasted forever, my relationships have taught me the most important lessons of my life. They have helped me grow (even the toxic ones), they have helped me find my true self (which was in hiding for so long), and they have helped me learn how to use my voice.
There is nothing more touching or more healing than feeling seen. It can also be deeply triggering when you haven’t felt it before. It never ceases to amaze me how good things, blessings, can tend to scare us more than our struggles. When you aren’t accustomed to being loved, being loved can be terrifying.
There is no question that relationships take work. A good portion of that work is internal and individual, even though that feels counter-intuitive. To be a conscious member of a healthy community, we need to be able to tell what is a “me” problem, what is a “we” problem, and what is a “you” problem. We need to be able to self-regulate our emotional reactions, and to be able to be vulnerable enough to ask for reassurance when we need it. We need to be able to navigate healthy conflict without resorting to toxic defense mechanisms. We need to be able to take responsibility for ourselves with humility and grace. Discernment is the most crucial skill of all, because trying to build a community on a bad foundation will only lead to endings. That being said—the endings and beginnings and almost-there’s are necessary along the healing path to co-creating a gentle, loving, spiritually-aligned life. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
In this time of the unraveling of late-stage capitalism, with fascism breathing down our necks on the daily, we are conditioned to believe we don’t need anything from anyone. For a long time, after feeling emotionally rode hard and put away wet, I listened to the Simon and Garfunkel song “I Am A Rock, I Am an Island” to get me pumped every single morning. I had spent half a decade learning how to open up, challenging myself to trust people, teaching myself how to ask for help, and what did it get me?! Rejected. Over and over. Worst. Fucking. Nightmare. So I withdrew into the familiar territory of hyper-vigilance. Without realizing it, I became the King of “I’m good, how are YOU?!” even on my worst days. Navigating (and flailing through) this life alone seemed easier than depending on others and being let down. I felt like I couldn’t take another disappointment, betrayal, or the army crawl through hell that is cutting off a toxic person. So I micro-dosed connection by knowing others, but never allowing them to know me.
The Universe, of course, saw my plans and lauuuughed and lauuughed. They sent me a friend. The kind of friend I have always dreamed of. Not someone who needs to be up my ass every day of the year, but someone who loved exactly as I did. No drama, no guilt, no manipulation, no gossip, just trust and easy conversation and an effortless feeling of my heart opening on it’s own. I felt seen. And loved. And I loved what I saw just the same.
Well, once I felt that I wanted more!
The clouds seemed to part at my own willingness to connect, and these diamonds in the rough kept shining for me to find. Some from my past that I couldn’t see before, because I (or they or both) were distracted by someone toxic, and some completely new, that seemed to be the very reason for certain life-altering decisions I had made along the way.
I remember once doing a tarot reading for myself at one of my lowest moments and the cards saying “things will work out and this will be worth the wait.” It felt rude and impossible at the time, but I can now say they were right.
I can say from experience that weeding your garden and being discerning about where you direct your energy can result in a more beautiful life than you could ever imagine The gentleness of a loving life is nothing short of Big Miracle Energy. It’s like going from the desert to an oasis. It’s like coming in from the cold.
Giving yourself the gift of a soft life is one of the highest forms of self-care. There is hard work in undoing relationships formed by toxic patterns or trauma bonding, taking inventory of the why’s and how’s of where you are, examining who you’ve been and the things you’d do differently now that you know better. But it is so worth it.
Life is hard enough, don’t we all deserve a soft place to land? Don’t you want to be safe to be your most vulnerable self everywhere you go? Don’t you want people to feel that level of safety with you? If you do this work, if you stay soft and open, while also engaging your discernment, your people will find you. Happiness, belonging, real, lasting love, respect, and support are absolutely available to you. All you have to do is make space for it. What you seek is seeking you.
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