Walk On Podcast Episode 62 : The Power of Ritual

I always say my first meditations were also my first experiences with masturbation; my first secret with my own body, my own self. My first rituals were intuitive meetings with the divine. I learned to meditate in the bathtub, after facing my childhood and trauma-induced fears of bathing alone. Breathing deeply, I would picture myself hiking in the autumn woods. After a harrowing few years of adulthood, I began a more concrete ritual practice, one that continues to this day. I would wake up, bake up, pour myself a cup of coffee, light a white candle and say

Mother Universe, show me the way.

I would like to thank all the goddesses who have come before me,

who allow me to live in their light

and I would like to thank all the goddesses who will come after me,

who I will allow to live in mine.

I would picture all the women who came before me—all the artists, philosophers, activists, spiritual figures, mothers, grandmothers, and Gaia herself. I would allow their energy to wash over me. I would think of how they inspired me, guided me, paved the way for my footsteps. I would think of myself, how I far I traveled to get to where I was, how much I’d been through. I would think of my desires, I would talk to the Universe, like a mother, a therapist, a friend. I would cry, pace, yell, stomp my feet and throw a tantrum. I would get it all out. Then I would go out into my garden and put my hands in the dirt, sing Joni Mitchell to my plants, enjoy the sun. Next, I would shower, washing every bit of my body, every nook and cranny, slowly, lovingly. Then rinse and rinse and rinse again, hot water, then cold. I would step out and anoint myself with oil, again, every bit of my body, while saying my morning affirmations

you are beautiful, you are kind, you are sweet, you are smart

you are resilient, capable, strong, funny

you are brilliant, all that you desire is available to you,

you are loved, you are lovable, you are love.

Then I would cleanse the house with incense, then I would begin my day. Sometimes, yoga would follow, a walk, work, rehearsal. When I started my day with this ritual, I spent the whole thing in a magnetic, calm, centered, present space. When I saw this time as necessary, as healing, as a priority—if I didn’t rush it or neglect it or belittle it, I noticed a gradual, beautiful, profound change in myself and how I moved through the world.

I eventually found a group of friends who also seemed interested in ritual magic, and we began meeting as a coven on full and new moons—often at the beach. I led everyone in a basic ritual of writing down a list of what they’d like to release and what they’d like to call in. We would sit around a fire, meditating on it, visualizing it, picturing ourselves and feeling our wills and desires as deeply as if they were happening in this very moment. Then we would burn our papers, and watch them, focus on them, until the flames turned them to ash. We would breathe out in surrender, and close with the saying “As I will it, so mote it be.”

There is a clarity that comes with ritual. Ritual helped me see and understand what it is I wanted. It allowed me to allow myself to want. In a world and a system that benefits from making what we want unacceptable to ourselves, it feels revolutionary.

On a practical level, struggling with executive functioning and the cyclical, self-harming thoughts that come with cptsd, one day I decided to start giving myself stability. I began tracking my moods (I used a 1-10 rating system and took notes on what I was feeling in my journal), I documented what I ate—not to serve the purpose of a diet, but to make sure I was eating regularly and enough—I also wrote down how much sleep I was getting and what I did every day. Then I gave myself a bedtime and a wake-up time. I made sure to include stretching every day, I tried to get outside and in some kind of nature as much as I could. I started taking myself on dates. I started really getting to know and falling in love with myself.

The whole concept of Walking On, for me, began with these rituals. This very podcast was born in those moments sitting in front of that white candle, talking to God.

Ritual on a mystic level, routine on a material (depending on how you look at it) can be life-changing. Taking the time to clarify how you feel, what you want, what you don't want, and to engage in the practice of creating stability is a pivotal first step towards self-care. Listen here.