Walk On Podcast Episode 77 : Owning What You Want
Austin Chan
I was raised to follow the rules. Make myself smaller, be quiet when I walk, sit like a lady, only speak when spoken to. I was raised to be pretty at any cost. I was told that I was never going to be liked if I kept being so bossy, that it was my fault I wasn’t more palatable. I swallowed my big to be more lovable. I followed the rules.
Whenever someone complimented me on my social grace I always said “I’m not comfortable, I’m just a good actor.” I learned that head up, hair done, outfit that accentuated my waist, blank slate, smile, laugh at the right time was the safest way to behave.
I hid away.
Estudio Bloom
I’ve never been one to do anything half-assed, so when I was in my codependency, I gave it 100%. I ate what I was told to eat, I dressed how I was told to dress, I liked or disliked what was expected of me, I had absolutely no sense of self.
Having a very over-bearing and controlling family matriarch, and being her favorite golden child came with a lot of expectations. Being a reflection of someone else is exhausting. I was perfect as long as could be, as often as I could be. But, inevitably, I failed.
It was in this failure, this cracking open that I found me. Flawed, stubborn smart ass. Masculine, capable, bossy, sweet, shy, fat, foul-mouthed slut. Artist, sex pot, nurturer. Free spirit, acid-head hippie. Commie scum self-healer. Queer witch artist and raging disappointment. Boundary laying nightmare. Thank God for failure.
Nong V
I spent a lot of time explaining myself in the hopes of being understood. I wasted a lot of time defending my choices in the hopes of mining some of that unconditional love I had been told I was entitled to. Ultimately, I was rejected.
This is the cost of owning what you want. It comes with judgment, ridicule, everyone telling you you’re doing something wrong. People being hurt by your choices.
“How could you do this to me?!”
It has nothing to do with you.
Its not to you
Its for me.
Chela B
If you find yourself totally lost as to what you want, know that that’s normal. Capitalism is contingent on us sacrificing what we want in order to meet our material needs. We make an offering out of our most precious and nonrenewable resource (time) for the “pleasure” of living a life we didn’t ask for, that doesn’t prioritize our well being. Considering what you want is an act of resistance. Learning yourself, knowing yourself, actualizing yourself, questioning the status quo, engaging with self compassion and self care—it ultimately leads to a realization of core values that are out of alignment with selling our labor. That’s dangerous to the power structures that benefit from our oppression.
Owning what you want? Now that’s active resistance. It’s a level of boundaries, of discernment, of authenticity, of bravery that is un-fuck-with-able. You own that you want a healthy relationship? Every sub-par option and half-in situationship falls away. You own that you want healing? You release anything that causes you pain. You own that you want freedom? You choose freedom over everything. You own that you want a better life? And every move you make acts in service to building one.
Once you know you deserve better
you no longer accept worse.
You are allowed happiness, inner peace, fulfillment, safety, love, rest, pleasure, joy, freedom and so much more. It is your divine right as a soul having a human experience. You are the universe knowing itself.
