It’s Never Personal

Before we’ve tended to our wounds, everything feels personal;

that backhanded compliment someone throws your way to ruin your day, a red light when you’re running late, someone slamming a door in your face—but is it?

Sure, the backhanded compliment may have been intended as a personal slight—an attempt to undermine your confidence, make you feel less good about an accomplishment, or an example of mistery just loving company, but anyone who doles out this kind of passive aggressive warfare is almost always in an intense and lonely battle with themselves. To be the kind of person who can’t be happy for someone else is a reflection of their character, not yours.

Every insult is an omission of insecurity.

In short,

it’s about them.

That red light that has you all in a tizzy is just a consequence of being in a rush, of not planning ahead, of sleeping in, of a random series of unfortunate events. Maybe it’s a reminder to set your alarm earlier, to tweak your routine, or maybe you were just meant to get where you’re going a little bit later.

All you can do is do better.

Maybe that person who didn’t hold the door for you, letting it slam in your face, was not present or considerate at that moment because they had something troubling on their mind, maybe they were stressed or sad or heartbroken, maybe they just received bad news, maybe they’re running 15 minutes behind.

Sure, be annoyed.

But then, let it go.

There’s a story in Buddhism about two monks walking down a long road. Despite committing to a vow of celibacy that included never laying hands on a woman, when they come across a woman trying to get across a river, one monk picks her up and carries her across. Once safely on the other side, he puts her down and continues walking. The other monk is aghast. He can’t believe it. He’s fuming as they’re walking. Finally, he works up nerve enough to say “I can’t freakin’ believe you picked up that lady!!” The other monk says, “I put her down ages ago, you’ve been carrying her all this way?”

Why is this happening to me?!?! Is the kind of melodrama that’s hilarious when it’s not coming out of our own mouths or taking root in our own egos, but when we feel it maaaaaaan, it’s serious as all get out.

It’s not personal!

Maybe you have mean friends because you haven’t learned how to discern who to keep at arm’s length yet. Maybe that lover won’t meet you halfway because there’s something better waiting down the line for you after you cut yourself loose. Maybe you’re always late because you have a hard time getting moving and need to give yourself room to move at your own pace.

Maybe life is a learning process. It’s soul school. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be nice and easy. Maybe it was meant to be nice and rough— at least ‘til we figure out how to stay centered within. Maybe if we never met with discomfort, we would never learn anything. Maybe the secret to happiness is surrender to what is.

Conflict can trigger our ego’s natural defensiveness. Sometimes we get so caught up in the illusion of protecting ourselves from rejection and abandonment, that we can let things escalate when they don’t need to. If we can remember that nothing is ever personal, that it’s always about the mirror of yourself reflected in the other, the issue at hand comes more clearly into focus.

I think Kendrick Lamar said it best when he said

“I always thought it was me vs the world

until I found it was me vs me”

Even when it feels personal, it isn’t. Even when someone is being cruel, it’s still a battle they are fighting within. Don’t get caught in the middle of that battle. It’s none of your business. You’ve got your own shit to work on.

Self-love is a journey of getting to know yourself better every day. The mirror of conflict, of failure, of hardship, of joy, success, praise, love, can reveal so much of you to you if you let it.

Remember, everything is temporary and nothing is ever personal.

even when it feels like it is.

Listen Here!

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